I February 2018 I attended my first 10-day silent retreat in Suan Mokkh, Thailand. Following I will share my experiences and impressions with you. All I say for now is, that it was the most life changing experience so far for me. I’m happy to share some infos with you. Please, don’t be shy and reach out to me with what ever questions you have! First of all, some basic rules for the retreat and the schedule of the retreat so you have a idea what was happening every day: Basic rules: Keep complete silence throughout the retreat (exceptions: personal interviews from Day 3 to Day 6 and emergencies). Stay within the boundaries of the retreat center. Keep the Eight Precepts, which are: ○ Intend not to take away any breath(abstain from killing). ○ Intend not to take away what is not given (abstain from stealing). ○ Intend to keep one’s mind and one’s body free from any sexual activity. ○ Intend not to harm others by speech. ○ Intend not to harm one’s consciousness with substances that intoxicate and lead to carelessness (no alcohol, no drugs, no smoking etc). ○ Intend not to eat between after noon and before dawn. ○ Intend not to dance, sing, play or listen to music, watch shows, wear garlands, ornaments and beautify oneself with perfumes and cosmetics. ○ Intend not to sleep or sit on luxurious beds and seats. (http://www.suanmokkh-idh.org/idh-general.html) Let’s start with my personal experience during the retreat. 31rst January: Registration day I have to say that the registration day was one of the hardest for me. I first was anxious about not getting a place in the retreat and sneaked out of the yoga class which was offered in the morning at 4.30am! (We slept 1 night in the monastery from the 30th to the 31rst). In the end everyone could get a place and the registration was open the whole day from 7am till 3pm. Louie, my previous partner at that time, and I walked to the retreat center and many people were already waiting in line for a interview with the nuns or the monks, after filling out info sheets and reading introduction texts. I could literally feel my ego getting annoyed sitting in the women’s line, waiting for the interview, meanwhile the men’s waiting line was not busy at all and I saw everyone seemingly relaxed and already preparing their room and adjusting to the place. I was tired, hungry and not in a good mood cause I wanted this to be done, so I can quickly throw my stuff in the dorm and then talk to Louie before the silence would start for 10 days in the late afternoon. Finally, after getting my room number and giving away all my valuables, including, phone, notes, books, journal, electronics and pens, I had the next challenge. I couldn’t find my dorm and I was exhausted by carrying my backpack around the property not finding the right house, walking back to the dining hall and checking where the building was. Then, when I arrived I quickly wanted to make the room ready cause I wanted to talk to Louie. I walked back and noticed I didn’t prepare the mosquito net and had to go back to do that. So all in all, I rushed for no reason and wasn’t mindful at all. Then, meeting Louie, I broke down in tears cause everything seemed so overwhelming and already too much, even tho the retreat didn’t even start! Very interesting. My ego wanted to tell me: ‘You’ll never be able to talk to Louie anymore!’ So ridiculous! I was exhausted and tired and Louie did send me right away back to the dorm to take a shower and make the room nice before I was ‘allowed’ come back. I did so and I felt better afterwards. We had some nice hours walking around the property and then the silence began in the big meditation hall, where some tears (of relief or excitement?) rolled down my cheeks when the soft bell rang, which meant: Silence for 10 days on from now! I went to bed very tired and slept on my thermarest on the wooden pillow. Day 1: I was excited to get up at 4 am when the morning bell rang and it wasn’t hard at all for me to get off my bed. During the first day I was thinking ‘This is only day 1 and how many more of this? 9? I don’t know if I can do this,…’ So interesting what goes on in your mind. There were also chores we had to sign up at the registration day and the only chore which was left was cleaning the toilets at the dorm. So well, I signed up for it in the day before. The thing was, that the chore was shared with one other person, which I couldn’t find the registration day to talk with about, which toilets I clean so we don’t have to talk about it when the silence is going on. So day 1 after breakfast when I started to clean the toilets on one side, a girl came over and talked to me, which I really didn’t want, and I just pointed silently that I will do the right side of the 4 toilets and she can do the 4 on the left. We agreed. For those who know me, you might remember that I had a wrist injury which kept me from doing sports for a long time and I was suffering a lot from it, physically and mentally. So since about october 2017, I finally am back and can mostly do all activities again. So on the first day of the retreat, I experienced intense heavy pain in my wrist and even tho if I wouldn’t move my wrist, just having the arm gently swinging next to me would hurt my wrist! It started hurting out of nothing and I didn’t hurt it the past day or so. I was simply re-living my pain from the injury. So intense! I had all day to accept and let go that my wrist is now hurting again and I even said: ‘Well if it takes the whole 10 days of the retreat or even longer, I can not do anything about it, but accept it for the moment’ I rubbed it with arnica and even had it tucked in my shirt while walking around that day. Well…the next day…no pain, nothing! Everything was gone! As if there was no pain the day before! Isn’t that incredible? The fact that I couldn’t express in words, that I am in pain, put less focus and attention on the hurting part which gave it less power, which means the pain eased faster, cause I could outwardly complain and talk about it! Day 2 – 4: I had ups and downs like everyone had, I believe. Sometimes I felt super good and I had wonderful meditation sessions where I felt at ease and at peace. Then I was angry, if a session didn’t go well as I wanted it to be. It took me personally 2 days to really adjust to the fact that there was only breakfast and then lunch at 12.30 and no other meal till the next morning. On day 2 suddenly the girl, which I shared the chore, told me (she talked to me again) that there is a third girl now in our chore group and that I didn’t need to clean the toilets today. I was not amused that she broke the silence. On the 3rd day I asked a girl silently for a piece of paper so that I could write a schedule for the toilet chore, where the girls could sign in which toilet they do so we don’t have to talk! Man that was challenging! Finally that was clarified on day 3! I had a big issue (at least it felt big for me at the first place) to deal with: So many people had something to write, a notebook, journal during the dhamma talks and the morning readings. Even tho in the beginning it was said that no journals are allowed and if you would wanna write something important you could keep some paper. I gave everything away at the office the first day, cause I had the info from my friends, that no one is allowed to write and no one will write. It played out, that this retreat was a little more chill than the goenka vipassana my friends did. So I was first angry and upset at others that they didn’t follow the rules, or better the rules I thought which were present for this retreat and then I was upset that I didn’t leave my notebook and a pen! Isn’t that funny? I guess its part of my german culture and societal conditoning to follow rules I guess. I also had thoughts of lack, like that everyone would know more about the dhamma talks now and has more info than I do, cause they could write it down and are able to reread it. So interesting, what my ego and mind were concocting! On day 4 tho, I picked up a little paper (half of a normal size page) at the dining hall, where one could write down questions, which was answered in a daily Q&A time by the nuns and monks from day 1-5. I grabbed this paper and used a pen which was next to the question box to write down the most important things about the lessons we learned, which I still could remember in that moment. This was my way to not be super upset and still be able to write things down. My middle way kind of. I could only write things down in the morning after breakfast, after lunch or in the evening, when I would be at the dining hall to use the pen there. I worked everyday in letting go and not judging others that they wrote pages over pages about the dhamma talks in their notebooks. Now looking back, it’s a very interesting and stupid thing, really. It was my lesson at that time and it took me the whole retreat and even days after it, to finally let go of that. I also worked every day during the guided loving kindness meditation to show my parents gratefulness and forgiveness, which brought me to tears of joy and understanding every day, every time. I realized, that I never really truly showed my parents the appreciation they deserve. They brought me to life, without them, there would be no Dany. I also deeply realized, that I can not change my dad, that the only way to make peace with it is understanding and forgiveness. I can only accept myself and change myself if I want him to accept and change aswell! Day 5-7: Walking meditation: During walking meditation, I caught myself going through teaching other people how to do it, which I found funny yet distracting. I had so many wonderful encounters with animals like a firefly which was flying around my foot each step I took at walking meditation in the grass. On day 7 I had the most funny encounter with a caterpillar at lunch which looked so funny and ridiculous and looked like nothing I’ve ever seen. He or she was crawling on the surface and moving its head as if it was talking to me. The girl next to me and I were almost in tears of joy and happiness to be interacting with this cute animal. It was sitting on one of the cards with the ‘prayer’ which we all together said before each meal. I put a little lettuce leave on it but it wouldn’t want to eat it. Later I wanted to set it free on the grass and as I wanted to gently remove it from the card, it walked into the direction of the tiny lettuce leave and started to eat it! I almost lost it! So interesting to see how seemingly little things can make you feel joyful and happy! “Slowly I let my toes and heels touch the grass, while I walk silently and with full concentration in the garden of power of liberation. A blade of grass gently sneaks between my toes and it feels like the earth is hugging me.” – Daniela Schmidt –
Walking meditation in general was very powerful for me and I worked a lot on my detachment to Louie, missing him and processing our break up. So often times I found myself breaking out in tears, walking under trees in slow motion in the rhythm of my breath. I got better and better to stop my crying before I would lose myself in that suffering and pain, I’d look at it, accept it and move on. That was a pretty big progress for me. One day, I don’t know, which day it was, I was in walking meditation, my eyes were closed, I was standing (about to turn around and walk a few meters. We were asked to walk not more than 20 to 30 steps in walking meditation and then we should turn around, so you wouldn’t be focused on arriving somewhere specifically, just back and forth without a goal.) So I remained standing after my 20 steps, my eyes closed, relaxing and feeling my body, tears rolled down my face and I thought of Louie and was wondering if he might be walking just past me in this moment. I couldn’t help myself and opened my eyes and yes, he just walked past me and I was smiling, so happy for that little moment!
Day 8-10:
On Day 8 I truly realized that the time being here in this sanctuary, waking up so early to see the sun rise, which blew my mind every day and made me so grateful to see that red, orange glowing ball of light rising up between the trees, was almost over. Only a few days more and we would leave this beautiful place, as they call it: The garden of power of liberation.
I haven’t seen anything more beautiful than the sun rising every morning and watching everyone else quietly and so humble, having the same gratitude and joy towards this moment every day. I have to say that the yoga class was super helpful to be more stable in the meditation practice and also for the physical health. One of my favourite moments was to see the sky turning from total black in the early morning during yoga to light orange and right when the yoga class was over, the sun was rising between the trees.
Day 9 was the most peaceful and wonderful day for me. I had the most powerful and calm meditation sessions that day and was levitating to lunch that day. Seriously, it felt like I was levitating about 2 cm above the ground. Well, until in the evening when I read the schedule for the last day, where a sharing talk in front of all participants was offered at 7.30pm for everyone who wanted to share. Speaking in front of about 80 people was first of all something I never did before and in the past I always was intimidated and anxious to talk in front of groups, like in school or in college. I never felt comfortable and it was always a big step out of my comfort zone. So well, after tea time at 6pm I completely lost it, I was laying in bed in my dorm crying out of joy and gratitude for all the adventures Louie and I were able to experience, all the moments at the retreat and meanwhile figuring out my speech because I wanted to step up, talk and step out of my comfort zone and share. For about 40 minutes I practiced my speech quietly in my head over and over again, which lead to zero concentration for the last hours of meditation before bed. I couldn’t concentrate at all and was just thinking about what I should say and how I should phrase it. I was totally lost. Perfect example of your mind taking over control.
Well on day 10 finally the talk was about to go on. I was nervous but I felt good. After 4 people talked I went to the toilet and as I was walking back to my seat, I thought to myself: ‘If you sit down now, you won’t get up and line in in the front for the talk. So go sit down, but sit down in the front now.’ So I did and I was breathing nervously until it was time for me to share.
I didn’t cry even during my talk, tho my voice was shaky, mainly because I shed so many tears the evening before, that there were probably no more left at that night. I shared a few things from the retreat which I learned and how grateful I was that Louie was here with me (and also not really with me) & that I was working a lot on the detachment process. After my talk I realized that I forgot a few things which I so wonderfully created and practiced to say the night before. For nothing. Hahaha! So crazy. I had to let go to not judge myself that I forgot a few things, which I wanted to say. It already was a huge step for me to speak into a microphone in front of so many people, so why do I have to judge myself again?
After the talks it was bedtime and the silence should be broken the next morning after everyone cleaned their room and would left the dorm with all belongings.
Day 11:
I was excited to get up and relieved that I would be able to talk again, which was around 7, when the morning meditation was over and everyone was packing up & making their rooms ready.
The moment you enter the dining hall, the silence was no longer needed to be hold.
I was totally overwhelmed to arrive in the hall to hear people talking. During the retreat I knew already, who I wanted to talk to and it took a few minutes for me to adapt and be ready to talk again. It was my little sanctuary and not at all hard for me to not talk those 10 days, even tho I caught myself accidently saying a few words to a gecko at the wall of my room, which made me smile so much. I also heard other people talking to each other sometimes, which was kind of disturbing, also a lesson to let go and to forgive.
I finally got all my belongings back, which I returned in the beginning, hugged Louie for the first time after 10 days of no physical contact with anyone and talked to some people which I really found interesting and we exchanged contacts.
Then we packed all our things together and walked to the main monastery where we got breakfast and a tour through the property of the monastery.
Then we continued our way back towards Suratthani and Tonsai hitchhiking in a pick up truck to the main station.
What a journey!
It was one of the most powerful and moving, uplifting, healing moments of my life and I highly recommend it to anyone (who has no mental illness), to try it out! It was super healing for me and I see the world now in a more clear and different way.
It was also especially healing for me, that Louie was there and except of the last 2 days we had a second of eye contact every day, sometimes from further away, sometimes a little close, but we purposefully stayed away from each other to focus more on ourselves. There were days where I was craving for his eye contact, just once a day, which was a highlight for me. But when it didn’t happen the last 2 days, it was also no problem, cause I knew, I’ll be able to talk to him and see him very soon.
I never had a such deep and relaxed breath than during those 10 days and I got sometimes attached to the deep breathing. I wanted to inhale to the fullest extend and then the last tiny bit was missing to have that relieving, totally relaxing inhale and exhale. I sometimes was a bit upset, that I couldn’t fully inhale and exhale. I found that very interesting, cause our breath is the only thing in life, which is permanent…well until we die, but we have it with us every second until then.
I actually did sleep on just a thin rice-mat on the bed (no mattress) with a wodden pillow as the monks and as Buddha used to do. I slept so amazing every night and woke up almost every day just a few seconds before the morning bell rang. This experience was super empowering and I am so grateful, even tho it was hard in between. Sooo worth it!